Friday, October 14, 2005

Just Can't Say No Syndrome

There are a lot of people who can relate to this, I'm sure...

About four weeks ago I was just getting over bronchitis, we were about two weeks into the school year and I had neglected to sign up for anything! I missed the cue to sign up for a couple things I was thinking about for church, I missed the sign up at back to school night to volunteer in the classroom (I was too busy wondering what it would be like to breathe effortlessly!), and I found that I had nothing to do. (haha) Well, that's not entirely true, but I realized once I felt better that I was doing very little. Well, all that changed in one day. I wrote about it. I'm now the party room mom for Kt's class, a paired reading tutor at her school, I was invited to a leadership meeting for guest services for our new church once it's open and I am on the schedule for childcare at Fusion.

Now, that' really enough. I mean, I only have three mornings a week of free time. I am also in the process of cutting out a gazillion little thingy's for a kindergarten teacher. Why? you ask?? I mean, it's not like I have a child in kindergarten, because I don't! Why? Because that teacher knew that I would say yes and that I would do it just the way a teacher wants it done because I used to be a teacher. I'm also in charge of the Brownie meeting next Wednesday - we are studying the earth and sky. So, with all these things going on, why in the world would I....

You guessed it! Em's teacher's assistant is taking a job for the county and they need subs until they find her a replacement. Now, I drew the line at accepting a job with preschoolers. I'm totally not gifted with younger children, I just don't have the patience. First grade was as low as I'll go! But, of course, I offered to help out in Em's class and somehow that progressed to me being on a regular sub list for the school in the mornings. Have you ever noticed how something really simple like, "I can help out" can quickly progress to "Sure, I'll sign my life and every spare moment away to you..." It's crazy. Of course, this may all be a result of my searching and praying about...

What am I to do with my life??? I left teaching 8 years ago, when Kt was born, and I'm no longer certified. I need a Master's Degree in something in order to apply for recertification. Do I go back to a teaching field? Do I just forget it and do something else? I'm perplexed, and I've had a long time to think about it. I don't really want to be a teacher anymore, at least not in a regular classroom, and I'm not even sure I'm compatible as a public school teacher. It just seems so oppressive to me. As I've been thinking about this and praying about it, God has put before me a number of alternative jobs, all involving teaching but not directly having that position. It's been a real eye-opener for me, because I had been considering doing something not at all related to teaching, but I'm definitely feeling drawn into that field once again. My only problem is....

Education is such a burn out field, a bit like pastoring I think. It's very demanding, it is something you don't really do just 9-4, everywhere you go you think about it, run into students and parents, grading papers until all hours of the night, getting pulled in a million different directions. It's demanding, it's tiring, it's even a little degrading. I heard for years how teaching wasn't a "real" job because I got summers off. I had a desk, but I wasn't supposed to sit at it with kids in the room. There was nowhere in my school to make a private phone call, and I didn't even have a phone in my room. The lack of adult stimulation was taxing. Dealing with administrators and church politics (I taught in a Christian school) were really wearing. I had my husband complaining that I talked to him like he was a first grader (he was likely acting like one!) and getting annoyed that everyplace we went, I was always looking for something for school! So, I ask myself...

Do I really want to do this again? And being overcommitted to school related things, children related things can't help. I usually walk away from a year of being with children on a non-regular basis thinking I must be crazy! And dealing with parents, well that makes me want to teach even less. I guess what I should do is say no to all the little helpful things that add up and choose one regular gig with children, because they are the real reason that I break my back to do all these crazy little things. To provide a meaningful experience for the future of my children. However, for not, if that means taking the load off a teacher, helping out whenever I can in the classroom or even being a childcare worker so some parents can have a meaningful worshiptime with the church, I guess it's worth it. The problem right now, I'll just have to start saying no, and I hate that!

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