This post will be short. I currently have four little girls running around my house so I'm stealing a quick peaceful moment (haha) to reflect just a bit on my Women of Faith weekend. I really did enjoy the entire weekend, all the speakers, the worship and spending time with my mom and sister-in-law. I have to say, though, the story that I've thought about the most, probably because I came home and promptly read her book Saturday night!, was Tammy Trent's. She delivered a fabulous mini-concert and an incredible testimony. For those who don't know her, she is a Christian recording artist who married her high school sweetheart, Trent. Thus the name, Tammy Trent. He became her manager and traveled everywhere with her. After 11 years of marriage and booming career, they were relaxing together in Jamaica before a mission's trip there when Trent never resurfaced from a free dive in the Blue Lagoon. This happened on September 10, 2001, which prevented her family and friends from joining her in Jamaica when all planes were grounded the morning of September 11th. Her father-in-law was the only person to make it there and was able to help her in the search for Trent, IDing his body, transporting it back to the US when the airspace was finally open, etc. In her book she details their relationship, their married life, her career, this event and a bit of her recovery up to this point in time.
To be totally honest, I'm not really sure why her story captivated me so much. The theme for this year's Women of Faith conference is Extraordinary Faith, and she completely fits into the definition of a person with this kind of faith. In listening to her testimony and reading her book, you can't help but be attracted to the great love story she tells of between herself, her husband and God. It's a true testament to faith and what God intends for marriage. You really sense that Tammy has an unwavering faith that is rooted in a love that was demonstrated to her over and over again by her husband, whose faith in God was one of the things that originally attracted her to him. What an awesome gift, and how sad that it was taken from her.
We think many times that things are just perfect the way they are. We have everything we need, most of things we want and we are blessed. God comes along sometimes and challenges our perception of perfection. He wants things to be perfect in Him and sometimes that means stipping us of things that we come to find our "perfection" in. Loss is never fun, always sad and maybe even depressing, but it can also present an opportunity for immense growth in our faith life.
I personally identified with the high school sweetheart thing that Tammy talked about this weekend, but only up to a certain point. People who know me well know that I am not an advocate of serious dating in one relationship for high schoolers. This is based on my experience of having done that and in some ways regretting it, not for the relationship itself but for the mindset that it created in me that I've spent years trying to undo. While we were both Christians, trying to remain pure and faithful - always a struggle!, this relationship created for me an identity crisis that I've only in the past few years been able to unravel. I know that I belong to God, I know that God loves me deeply, I know that He created me for a special purpose, so why was I always feeling like I wasn't good enough, or there was something wrong with me, or like people were just pretending they like me when really.... My thoughts were running wild and it was driving me crazy. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm well-educated, I'm pretty good at the things I choose to do, so why was I always feeling so inadequate?
In most of these areas I chose not to deal with the way I was feeling. This was until I started a study, which I will be repeating this fall, called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. As I dove deeper into the study it was becoming more apparent to me that I never dealt with the pain that was caused by this relationship years ago. I thought I had forgiven, moved on, made a new life, left everything in the past, but the truth was I had never dealt with the reality of what had happened to me, personally. I had a gazillion questions about what had happened, what went wrong, what was wrong with me? The truth is, there's a really good chance I will never have the answers to those questions. So, how was I to deal with that?
Just recently, I've had a questions posed to me three times by three different people - do you think God wants me to answer it?? I know He does, because it's a silly question and when someone asks me I kind of laugh at them like, "Well, it's kind of obvious, don't you think?" The question is this: "Why would you think it's not OK for high schoolers to date the same person all 4 years of high school????" Now, if I had never been in that relationship I could still answer this question! So what does God want me to do? Face this monster and figure out why I believe that.
I don't have Tammy's book, Learning to Breathe Again, right in front of me, but she mentions several times in her book how her husband breathed life and faith into her. Now, there were many similarities between my "high school sweetheart" and hers, like they idolized us, they were strong, committed Christians (at least I thought mine was!), they seemed mature for their age, etc. But, there were some marked differences, like mine went south! It was bad!! There were times after the big incident that I felt like God had saved me from a disaster, from a bad thing and I was so thankful He had stepped in and done that for me. It made my faith bigger, but that was dashed years later when I found out he was married to a wonderful, committed Christian woman, was an active member in a church, has a great family. What happened? Was that supposed to be me??? I am married, to a wonderful man who loves me (not sure about idolizing, but that's fine!), I have two beautiful children and we serve a loving and gracious God. In my heart of hearts, though, was always this question: was I not good enough?
I have dealt with this painful question for years. Sometimes God answers it in strange ways, other times I wrestle with it but recently I have been presented with the root of it in the question these few friends have asked me, why shouldn't high schoolers date the same person for four years of high school? It's a funny question, but I'm completely sure that's my problem with it. I know several couples who are very happily married to their high school sweethearts and I'm a little jealous of what they share. They are beautiful examples of relationships gone so right! I'm learning that I quite possibly relied on an identity created by what I thought a person thought of me, not on what God made me to be. I believed something about myself that wasn't real and was terribly betrayed and it has made me doubt myself in an extremely deep way. I think that God never intended for me to ever feel this way about myself and He did save me from a life of living to please another person. Maybe this guy changed, and I'm glad things improved for him. That doesn't make it less painful, but it should demonstrate to me that God used him in my life for a purpose and now it's time to let it go, resolved.
T and I have spent a lot of time talking about how many women we know in the two churches we are most familiar with who struggle with anxiety, depression, you name it! I am not surprised, at least not as much as T is. As women, our identities are tied to so many things other than Who God says I Am (Believing God, Beth Moore) like our husbands, our family, our friends, our jobs, our past. In this book, which I completed last year, there are five statments of faith, and these have shaped not only my faith but my identity and helped me to sort through this mess of thoughts that I wanted to discard without processing. These statements are the following:
1. God is Who He Says He is
2. God Can Do What He Says He Can Do
3. I Am Who God Says I Am (not what any person says I am!)
4. I Can Do All Thing Through Christ Who Strengthens Me
5. God's Word is Alive and Active In Me
I'm believing God!
So, my journey is different from Tammy's, but once again these thoughts rang out in my mind while listening to her and reading her book. To take a seemingly tragic or depressing situation and allow it to grow your faith is a glorious thing and that's what she did. To choose to see your circumstances through God's eyes makes them clearer and much more managable. To see yourself through His eyes is healing and peaceful. At least for me.
Well, I hear some slamming doors, some strange animal noises, some whimpering - I think the beasts are getting restless. Off to find some lunch for my girls and their friends. Will I ever let my girls date? the same guy? for four years of high school? Not without drilling into their heads that they belong to God, and He's the one they need to shine for!
To be totally honest, I'm not really sure why her story captivated me so much. The theme for this year's Women of Faith conference is Extraordinary Faith, and she completely fits into the definition of a person with this kind of faith. In listening to her testimony and reading her book, you can't help but be attracted to the great love story she tells of between herself, her husband and God. It's a true testament to faith and what God intends for marriage. You really sense that Tammy has an unwavering faith that is rooted in a love that was demonstrated to her over and over again by her husband, whose faith in God was one of the things that originally attracted her to him. What an awesome gift, and how sad that it was taken from her.
We think many times that things are just perfect the way they are. We have everything we need, most of things we want and we are blessed. God comes along sometimes and challenges our perception of perfection. He wants things to be perfect in Him and sometimes that means stipping us of things that we come to find our "perfection" in. Loss is never fun, always sad and maybe even depressing, but it can also present an opportunity for immense growth in our faith life.
I personally identified with the high school sweetheart thing that Tammy talked about this weekend, but only up to a certain point. People who know me well know that I am not an advocate of serious dating in one relationship for high schoolers. This is based on my experience of having done that and in some ways regretting it, not for the relationship itself but for the mindset that it created in me that I've spent years trying to undo. While we were both Christians, trying to remain pure and faithful - always a struggle!, this relationship created for me an identity crisis that I've only in the past few years been able to unravel. I know that I belong to God, I know that God loves me deeply, I know that He created me for a special purpose, so why was I always feeling like I wasn't good enough, or there was something wrong with me, or like people were just pretending they like me when really.... My thoughts were running wild and it was driving me crazy. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm well-educated, I'm pretty good at the things I choose to do, so why was I always feeling so inadequate?
In most of these areas I chose not to deal with the way I was feeling. This was until I started a study, which I will be repeating this fall, called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. As I dove deeper into the study it was becoming more apparent to me that I never dealt with the pain that was caused by this relationship years ago. I thought I had forgiven, moved on, made a new life, left everything in the past, but the truth was I had never dealt with the reality of what had happened to me, personally. I had a gazillion questions about what had happened, what went wrong, what was wrong with me? The truth is, there's a really good chance I will never have the answers to those questions. So, how was I to deal with that?
Just recently, I've had a questions posed to me three times by three different people - do you think God wants me to answer it?? I know He does, because it's a silly question and when someone asks me I kind of laugh at them like, "Well, it's kind of obvious, don't you think?" The question is this: "Why would you think it's not OK for high schoolers to date the same person all 4 years of high school????" Now, if I had never been in that relationship I could still answer this question! So what does God want me to do? Face this monster and figure out why I believe that.
I don't have Tammy's book, Learning to Breathe Again, right in front of me, but she mentions several times in her book how her husband breathed life and faith into her. Now, there were many similarities between my "high school sweetheart" and hers, like they idolized us, they were strong, committed Christians (at least I thought mine was!), they seemed mature for their age, etc. But, there were some marked differences, like mine went south! It was bad!! There were times after the big incident that I felt like God had saved me from a disaster, from a bad thing and I was so thankful He had stepped in and done that for me. It made my faith bigger, but that was dashed years later when I found out he was married to a wonderful, committed Christian woman, was an active member in a church, has a great family. What happened? Was that supposed to be me??? I am married, to a wonderful man who loves me (not sure about idolizing, but that's fine!), I have two beautiful children and we serve a loving and gracious God. In my heart of hearts, though, was always this question: was I not good enough?
I have dealt with this painful question for years. Sometimes God answers it in strange ways, other times I wrestle with it but recently I have been presented with the root of it in the question these few friends have asked me, why shouldn't high schoolers date the same person for four years of high school? It's a funny question, but I'm completely sure that's my problem with it. I know several couples who are very happily married to their high school sweethearts and I'm a little jealous of what they share. They are beautiful examples of relationships gone so right! I'm learning that I quite possibly relied on an identity created by what I thought a person thought of me, not on what God made me to be. I believed something about myself that wasn't real and was terribly betrayed and it has made me doubt myself in an extremely deep way. I think that God never intended for me to ever feel this way about myself and He did save me from a life of living to please another person. Maybe this guy changed, and I'm glad things improved for him. That doesn't make it less painful, but it should demonstrate to me that God used him in my life for a purpose and now it's time to let it go, resolved.
T and I have spent a lot of time talking about how many women we know in the two churches we are most familiar with who struggle with anxiety, depression, you name it! I am not surprised, at least not as much as T is. As women, our identities are tied to so many things other than Who God says I Am (Believing God, Beth Moore) like our husbands, our family, our friends, our jobs, our past. In this book, which I completed last year, there are five statments of faith, and these have shaped not only my faith but my identity and helped me to sort through this mess of thoughts that I wanted to discard without processing. These statements are the following:
1. God is Who He Says He is
2. God Can Do What He Says He Can Do
3. I Am Who God Says I Am (not what any person says I am!)
4. I Can Do All Thing Through Christ Who Strengthens Me
5. God's Word is Alive and Active In Me
I'm believing God!
So, my journey is different from Tammy's, but once again these thoughts rang out in my mind while listening to her and reading her book. To take a seemingly tragic or depressing situation and allow it to grow your faith is a glorious thing and that's what she did. To choose to see your circumstances through God's eyes makes them clearer and much more managable. To see yourself through His eyes is healing and peaceful. At least for me.
Well, I hear some slamming doors, some strange animal noises, some whimpering - I think the beasts are getting restless. Off to find some lunch for my girls and their friends. Will I ever let my girls date? the same guy? for four years of high school? Not without drilling into their heads that they belong to God, and He's the one they need to shine for!
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